hold me, wrap me up

this post was requested, don't feel under any obligation to keep reading just because you follow me. this concerns literally me and one other person and i'd kind of feel better if you didn't all keep reading. intense angsting about to commence.

i don't angst because something is wrong, i angst  because i don't know exactly what's wrong except that nothing is right. sorry if that's offensive.

spending time looking at blogs today showed me how okay it is to be open, but i'm still unsure about posting this. too many people follow me that i care about. it makes sense in a twisted way, if you understand at all. i want to ask anyone i know in reality who will judge me for this to just not even read. forget you saw anything.

this is the scariest thing i've done.

i'm much better at acting than i give myself credit for. never once during the past month has anyone asked me what's wrong, and i've never had to explain. i'm not even sure i would know how.

someone wants to know what's so "wrong" about me. no funnies today kids, sorry.

its nothing.

its everything.

i can not stress how much i do not want anyone to read this...but i promised to post. ugh i hate being honest sometimes >:(

i would cheat but i can't.

its not you - whatever you think don't think that. you're all brilliant.

it's me. never good enough. dragging everyone else down. it's my problem, and i'm working on it.

i don't talk about it.

i mean, i talk in small parts about small parts, but i don't draw attention to it if i can avoid it. i am the most honest with katie of everyone, because we're as messy as each other in some ways. 

it's pretty bad tonight, i'm this close to just providing my diary link and getting it over with.

i suppose, i'm attracted to people with issues~ for a reason. i feel normal by comparison. they stop me mentioning anything, because my problems are so tiny in comparison. and having friends i can try and fix means i don't focus on myself. i will always come last when someone else needs me. its just the way my mind operates. i spend so much time looking after everyone else that there's simply no time for me, but thats ok.

being around people makes me feel better, but the evenings are always bad. i'm getting scared again, to be honest. the last time i felt like this for more than a hormone-ful night in a row was in year 9/10 and that was pretty  shite.

even here, at the most honest i've been in public for a while, i still can't be explicit about it. i won't allow myself.

this is how we became friends, remember? i had a particularly bad night and posted about it looking for i-don't-know-what and you sent me your phone number. it was the kindest thing anyone had done for me, we had hardly ever spoken and yet you were so willing to listen. i don't think i'll ever forget it. i never called, but i decided, then, that we should be friends. i will miss you so much <3

i know that i should "think positive", but it gets exhausting. i'm too tired.

writing makes it better and makes it worse. its hard to explain, but its like stirring up sediment from a pool of water.

if i let it go, i'm ok.

i don't want to make a big deal over what is probably just me. so don't call me attention seeking.

i'm not about to do anything drastic. what's the point?

i just had to put my thoughts on the page, in public for once.

apparently that's the first step, but to what i have no idea.

so now i have.