Thursday, July 29, 2010

hold me, wrap me up


this post was requested, don't feel under any obligation to keep reading just because you follow me. this concerns literally me and one other person and i'd kind of feel better if you didn't all keep reading. intense angsting about to commence.

i don't angst because something is wrong, i angst  because i don't know exactly what's wrong except that nothing is right. sorry if that's offensive.

spending time looking at blogs today showed me how okay it is to be open, but i'm still unsure about posting this. too many people follow me that i care about. it makes sense in a twisted way, if you understand at all. i want to ask anyone i know in reality who will judge me for this to just not even read. forget you saw anything.

this is the scariest thing i've done.

i'm much better at acting than i give myself credit for. never once during the past month has anyone asked me what's wrong, and i've never had to explain. i'm not even sure i would know how.

someone wants to know what's so "wrong" about me. no funnies today kids, sorry.

its nothing.

its everything.

i can not stress how much i do not want anyone to read this...but i promised to post. ugh i hate being honest sometimes >:(

i would cheat but i can't.


its not you - whatever you think don't think that. you're all brilliant.

it's me. never good enough. dragging everyone else down. it's my problem, and i'm working on it.

i don't talk about it.
i mean, i talk in small parts about small parts, but i don't draw attention to it if i can avoid it. i am the most honest with katie of everyone, because we're as messy as each other in some ways. 

it's pretty bad tonight, i'm this close to just providing my diary link and getting it over with.


i suppose, i'm attracted to people with issues~ for a reason. i feel normal by comparison. they stop me mentioning anything, because my problems are so tiny in comparison. and having friends i can try and fix means i don't focus on myself. i will always come last when someone else needs me. its just the way my mind operates. i spend so much time looking after everyone else that there's simply no time for me, but thats ok.

being around people makes me feel better, but the evenings are always bad. i'm getting scared again, to be honest. the last time i felt like this for more than a hormone-ful night in a row was in year 9/10 and that was pretty  shite.

even here, at the most honest i've been in public for a while, i still can't be explicit about it. i won't allow myself.

this is how we became friends, remember? i had a particularly bad night and posted about it looking for i-don't-know-what and you sent me your phone number. it was the kindest thing anyone had done for me, we had hardly ever spoken and yet you were so willing to listen. i don't think i'll ever forget it. i never called, but i decided, then, that we should be friends. i will miss you so much <3


i know that i should "think positive", but it gets exhausting. i'm too tired.

writing makes it better and makes it worse. its hard to explain, but its like stirring up sediment from a pool of water.
if i let it go, i'm ok.
i don't want to make a big deal over what is probably just me. so don't call me attention seeking.
i'm not about to do anything drastic. what's the point?
i just had to put my thoughts on the page, in public for once.

apparently that's the first step, but to what i have no idea.

so now i have.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Monday, July 26, 2010

the one where i get cryptic

kind of.
formal was super awesome and great and yay win at life! thanks all you non-year 12s for the lovely comments and questions, i can't wait to see yours next year and the year after.
my dress is my baby, i want to wear it everywhere and always.

i honestly have nothing interesting to say here today. tumblr is taking my ability to write and only letting me convey my thoughts and/or feelings in amusing quotes, audio clips, pictures or excerpts of text. cool. follow me, since i can't talk here.
link. follow me.


i adore this band. i will never be ashamed of this fact. the bottom line is, they speak to so many young people, including me. i ache with every fibre of my being to have the eloquence of gerard way.

its important, is all.

i'm not really happy, but i've decided not to publically angst about it (too much). its no big deal, it'll pass. it always has before. i can't cope with people i know in real life reading my blog and passing judgement on my feelings, so i write them somewhere nobody has the link to except katie.


i think im getting a migraine. waaaaah!



Sunday, July 25, 2010

An Ode, to the People's Drink

Its almost 2am and I feel that I should be drunk while doing this. Alas, I am not. But here it is anyway:
An Ode to the People's Drink



I'm truly lost for words. Oh humble goon bag, you were the People's Drink. Your life was dedicated to intoxicating us, and you died a valiant death in an attempt to fulfill your duty. Although "the People's Drink is bad for the People", this is only true of some people. Namely: lightweights.


You undertook your task with a sense of courage and spirit which is truly admirable. I hope that in the future we may meet under the scarlet banner of the hammer and sickle; and revel in the splendour of sharing you with all the People.


Until then my comrade, I bid thee; adieu.
RIP People's Drink. 23/07/10-24/07/10 (in the very early hours)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

blog where i talk about people i love. finally.




































i'm getting a little bit worried. just in general. nothing too big, nothing too angsty. small things though, are starting to pile up. i'll have to pay closer attention. i'm not being cryptic. i just don't want to make a big deal out of nothing. if something comes of it you'll be the first to know, and if not then no harm done.
i want to believe this again. i'm the  biggest hopeless romantic in the book, but nothing i've come across has done much to make me believe it recently. except michaela and david. thats cute.
 cold faith is hard to maintain, i'm doing my best. i want it so badly.


i love you all so much at the moment. i'm really emotional and rubbish at really talking seriously about how i feel. i throw 'i love you' around like nothing else, but i really do love you. i'm not sure when or why i realised how much i enjoy you in my life so much, but i'm glad i did. this would be so different without you :)


this could nearly be me! its not though...more's the pity i guess. i love clothes and makeup and jewellery so much at the moment, its making my year 12 suffer alot. i just need to get rich and then i'll get a new wardrobe.


you're the best. thats it. i don't know why it took me so long to realise and appreciate you, but i'm glad i did. so glad. you're a really good person even if you won't acknowledge it. so many of us can't be wrong. you're becoming an incredible person, and (as i said) if you act a bit arrogant or douchey sometimes, thats ok. you're worth the wait. i love knowing that i have you now, finally. it would be such a waste of my first friendship here if we'd let it go. you're my fave. lets stay friends now please. you're becoming that person that i talk about and describe as "if you were really good friends with your siblings", but actually you'd never want to be related because that would ruin the whole point. you're an amazing boy and i love you a lot and i hope you're happy.


we're twins. you get me. i wish we were closer, to be honest. i know, wtf at me! twins being closer? but its true, isn't it? maybe its just me. maybe i'm totally wrong and you're reading this in confusion. it's my paranoia. you're an incredibly beautiful person even if you don't see it, and thats why people are so drawn to you. you make us feel important and special and worth your time and thats the best thing you could do for me. we're more alike than you even realise i think, but thats a story for another time. i'm actually terrified of losing you next year, i'm not afraid of not coping, but i'm afraid of not getting you back. i think you'll realise how much better you are and then you'll realise you can have better friends and you don't want me or need me and i'll be a little bit lost. i'm not exaggerating when i say you're instrumental in my life. i wouldn't be coping with this year.


and you, all of you. this is a collective post because i don't have the time or the words to express how important you are to me. if you think this might be about you then it is. thankyou for putting up with me (sorry this is a bit angsty) and being my friends. i love you too.